Little Wards Almanac

Advice from An Old Farmer   Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong. Keep skunks and bankers at a distance. Life is simpler when you plow around the stump. A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor. Words that soak into your ears are whispered… not yelled. Meanness don’t jes’ happen overnight. Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads. Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you. It don’t take a very big person to carry a grudge. You cannot unsay a cruel word. Every path has a few puddles. When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty. The best sermons are lived, not preached. Most of the stuff people worry about ain’t never gonna happen anyway. Don’t judge folks by their relatives. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer. Live a good, honorable life… Then when you get older and think back, you’ll enjoy it a second time. Don ‘t interfere with somethi...

New Truck built by a company we didn't bail out... I bought a new Ford F250 Tri-Flex Fuel Truck. Go figure-- it runs on either hydrogen, gasoline, or E85. I returned it to the dealer yesterday because I couldn't get the radio to work. The service technician explained that the radio was voice activated. "Nelson", the technician said to the radio. The radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?" "Willie!" he continued and "On The Road Again" came from the speakers. Then he said, "Ray Charles!", and in an instant " Georgia On My Mind" replaced Willie Nelson. I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, "Beethoven", I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, "Beatles", I'd get one of their awesome songs. Yesterday, some guy ran a red light and nearly creamed my new truck, b...

If you look closely at the picture above, you will note that all the Marines pictured are bowing their heads. That's because they're praying. This incident took place at a recent ceremony honoring the birthday of the corps, and it has the ACLU up in arms.   "These are federal employees," says Lucius Traveler, a spokesman for the ACLU, "on federal property and on federal time... For them to pray is clearly an establishment of religion, and we must nip this in the bud immediately."   When asked about the ACLU's charges, Colonel Jack Fessender, speaking for the Commandant of the Corps said,  "F*** the ACLU.  GOD bless our warriors.  Send the ACLU to Afghanistan ! Then watch those sons of bitches pray."   ...

A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.     It doesn?t have any feet or legs.   The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?'     The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.'     'Holy crap,' the guy replies. 'You actually understood and answered me!'     'I got every word,' says the parrot. 'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird'     'Oh yeah?' the guy asks.     'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet.?'     'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook.   You can't see it, because of my feathers.'     'Wow,' says the guy. You really can understand, and can speak Engl...

Why Go to Church? One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, "I'm not going."   "Why not?" she asked.    I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "(1), they don't like me, and (2), I don't like them."    His mother replied, "I'll give you two good reasons why you SHOULD go to church:   (1) You're 59 years old, and (2) you're the pastor!"  

A FARMER DECIDED   HE WANTED TO GO TO TOWN AND SEE A MOVIE. THE TICKET AGENT ASKED, "SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?" THE OLD FARMER SAID, "THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER CHUCK. WHEREVER I GO, CHUCK GOES." "I'M SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT "WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATER." THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND STUFFED CHUCK DOWN HIS OVERALLS. THEN HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH, BOUGHT A TICKET, AND ENTERED THE THEATER. HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS NAMED MILDRED AND MARGE. THE MOVIE STARTED AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM. . . THE OLD FARMER UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO CHUCK COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT AND WATCH THE MOVIE. "MARGE," WHISPERED MILDRED. "WHAT?" SAID MARGE. "I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT." "WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?" ASKED MARGE? "HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT", WHISPERED MI...