Little Wards Almanac

Murphy showed up at Mass one   Sunday   and the priest almost fell down   When he saw him. He had never been to church in his life.       After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so   Glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"   Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father. A while back,   I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that   McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every   Sunday . I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and   Figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to   Leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."   The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal   McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"   Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10   Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlyn...

11   PEOPLE... ON A ROPE   Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter. 10 men and 1 woman.   The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, Because otherwise they were all going to fall. They weren't able to choose that person, until the   woman gave a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the   rope, because, as a woman, she was used to   giving up everything for her husband and kids or   for men in general, and was used to always   making sacrifices with little in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men   started clapping......

Every leaf speaks bliss to me, fluttering from the autumn tree.      Emily Bronte

Do you ever wonder why a donkey is the symbol for the Democrat party? Well as legend has it, one day long, long ago the king wanted to go fishing. So  he asked the royal weather forecaster what to expect for the next few hours.  The palace meteorologist assured him that there was no chance of rain. So the king and the queen went fishing.  On the way to their favorite fishing hole they met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and he asked the man if the fish were biting. The fisherman replied: "Your Majesty, you might want to head back to the palace.  In just a short time I expect a huge rain storm." The king replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard.  He is an educated and experienced professional. Besides, I pay him very high wages.  He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him." So the king continued on his way. However, in a short time a torrential rain fell from ...

I was sitting at a long stoplight yesterday, minding my own business, patiently waiting for it to turn green even though there was no on-coming traffic. A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims shouting Anti-American slogans with a half-burned American Flag duct-taped on the trunk of their car and a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray painted on the side was stopped next to me.   Suddenly they yelled, "Allahu Akbar! Praise Allah! Death to America" and took off before the light changed. Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler came speeding through the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely.   For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself: "Man... that coulda been me!"   So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.

Honey, I'm So Sorry.  Let's make up.....   The End

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work as the ground was hard.  His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament: Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days. Love, Papa A few days later he received a letter from his son: Dear Pop, Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried. Love, Vinnie At   4 a.m.   the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That next day the old man received another letter from his son: Dear Pop, Go ahead...