Little Wards Almanac

Murphy showed up at Mass one   Sunday   and the priest almost fell down   When he saw him. He had never been to church in his life.       After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so   Glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"   Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father. A while back,   I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that   McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every   Sunday . I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and   Figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to   Leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."   The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal   McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"   Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10   Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlyn...

11   PEOPLE... ON A ROPE   Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter. 10 men and 1 woman.   The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, Because otherwise they were all going to fall. They weren't able to choose that person, until the   woman gave a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the   rope, because, as a woman, she was used to   giving up everything for her husband and kids or   for men in general, and was used to always   making sacrifices with little in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men   started clapping......

Every leaf speaks bliss to me, fluttering from the autumn tree.      Emily Bronte

Do you ever wonder why a donkey is the symbol for the Democrat party? Well as legend has it, one day long, long ago the king wanted to go fishing. So  he asked the royal weather forecaster what to expect for the next few hours.  The palace meteorologist assured him that there was no chance of rain. So the king and the queen went fishing.  On the way to their favorite fishing hole they met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and he asked the man if the fish were biting. The fisherman replied: "Your Majesty, you might want to head back to the palace.  In just a short time I expect a huge rain storm." The king replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard.  He is an educated and experienced professional. Besides, I pay him very high wages.  He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him." So the king continued on his way. However, in a short time a torrential rain fell from ...

I was sitting at a long stoplight yesterday, minding my own business, patiently waiting for it to turn green even though there was no on-coming traffic. A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims shouting Anti-American slogans with a half-burned American Flag duct-taped on the trunk of their car and a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray painted on the side was stopped next to me.   Suddenly they yelled, "Allahu Akbar! Praise Allah! Death to America" and took off before the light changed. Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler came speeding through the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely.   For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself: "Man... that coulda been me!"   So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.

Honey, I'm So Sorry.  Let's make up.....   The End

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work as the ground was hard.  His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament: Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days. Love, Papa A few days later he received a letter from his son: Dear Pop, Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried. Love, Vinnie At   4 a.m.   the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That next day the old man received another letter from his son: Dear Pop, Go ahead...

Until a child tells you what  they are thinking, we can't even  begin to imagine how  their mind is working.... Little Zachary was doing very  badly in math. His parents had tried  everything...tutors, mentors, flash cards, special  learning centers. In short, everything  they could think of to help his math.      Finally, in a last ditch  effort, they took Zachary down and  enrolled him In the local  Catholic school. After the first day,  little Zachary came home with  a very serious look on his face. He  didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to  his room and started studying.    Books and papers were  spread out all over the room and little  Zachary was hard at work.  His mother was amazed. She called him  down to dinner.    To her shock, the minute he  was done, he ma...

Must be a difficult lesson to teach.   Once in a while we just have to stand back in awe of government.   The Food Stamp Program, administered by the U.S. Department of Agriculture, is proud to be distributing the greatest amount of free Meals and Food Stamps ever - 46 million people.   Meanwhile, the National Park Service, administered by the U.S. Department of the Interior, asks us "Please Do Not Feed the Animals." Their stated reason for the policy is because, "The animals will grow dependent on handouts and will not learn to take care of themselves." Thus ends today's lesson in irony

  I used to think I was just a regular guy, but . . . I was born white, which now, whether I like it or not, makes me a racist.   I am a fiscal and moral conservative, which by today's standards, makes me a fascist.   I am heterosexual, which according to gay folks, now makes me a homophobic.   I am non-union, which makes me a traitor to the working class and an ally of big business.   I am a Christian, which now labels me as an infidel.   I believe in the 2nd Amendment, which now makes me a member of the vast gun lobby.   I am older than 70, which makes me a useless old man.   I think and I reason, therefore I doubt much that the main stream media tells me, which must make me a reactionary.   I am proud of my heritage and our inclusive American culture, which makes me a xenophobe.   I value my safety and that of my family and I...