Little Wards Almanac

   Any one over 60 has probably used one of these -

After  being interviewed by the school administration, the prospective teacher said: Let me see if I've got this right. You want me  to go into that room with all those kids, correct their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse, monitor their dress habits,  censor their T-shirt messages, and instill in them a love for learning. You want me  to check their backpacks for weapons, wage war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, and raise their sense of self-esteem and personal pride. You want me to teach them patriotism and good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair  play, and how to register to vote, balance a checkbook, and apply for a job. You want me to check their heads for lice, recognize signs of antisocial behavior, and make sure that they all pass the final exams. You also want me to provide them with an equal education regardless of their  handicaps, and communicate regularly...

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.     Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.     He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazem e nt he quieted down.     A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. he would shake it off and take a step up.     As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would s...

A recent article in The Dominion Post reported that Nancy Pelosi   has sued Wellington Hospital, claiming that after her husband had  surgery there,   he lost all interest in sex.   A hospital spokesman replied:   "Your husband was admitted for cataract   surgery.    All we did was correct his eyesight!”

A young cowboy, sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West.   The cowboy walked over to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him of his great ambition to be a great gunfighter.   "Could you give me some tips?" he asked.   The old man said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high -- tie the holster a little lower down on your leg." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?"   "Sure will."   The young man did as he was told, then stood up, whipped out his .44, and shot thebow tie off the piano player.   "That's terrific!" exclaimed the cowboy. "Got any more tips?"     "Yep,...

Right after the election an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, “I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton.” The Marine replied, “Sir, Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn't reside here.” The old man said, “Okay,” and walked away. The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, “I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton”. Sir, as I said yesterday, Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn't reside here.” The man thanked him and again walked away. The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying “I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton.” The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, “Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mrs. Clinton. I...